The Perfect List
by Turqcoyce
Summary: Three easy, superficial requirements made up the perfect list for Kiba's ideal woman. After a one-night stand gone horribly wrong that lands him in the hospital, he finds himself revising his list. Before he knows it, Kiba finds himself intrigued by the woman he least expected. Perhaps the perfect woman for Kiba is perfectly imperfect. KibaSaku
1. 3 Easy Requirements

**The Perfect List**

**Chapter 1: 3 Easy Requirements**

**Rated M**

**Written by Turqcoyce**

**Summary: Three easy, superficial requirements made up the perfect list for Kiba's ideal woman. After a one-night stand gone horribly wrong that lands him in the hospital, he finds himself revising his list. Before he knows it, Kiba finds himself intrigued by the woman he least expected. Perhaps the perfect woman for Kiba is perfectly imperfect. **

**Author's Note: Welcome to my newest creative venture. I've had this idea for years, and now I believe it is at a point where I'm ready to share my creation. It's still a work in progress, but it's finally in motion. I hope you enjoy it. **

The Perfect List (according to women):

_1. Tall_

_2. Hansom_

_3. Great body_

_4. Great teeth_

_5. Sparkling eyes_

_6. Well endowed _

_7. Self – efficient_

_8. Loves kids_

_9. Kind to all people_

_10. Not a pushover_

_11. Strong _

_12. Protective_

_13. Listens_

_14. Sympathetic_

_15. Etc…_

Women have this ridiculous, endless, contradictory list of what the perfect man should be. How is it possible for a man to be kind to all people and not be a pushover? Quite frankly, no such creature existed in reality. In fact, if he did, he was probably the world's biggest pussy, and not a man at all. Women are completely unrealistic creatures. Now here is a perfect list:

_1. Great Tits_

_2. Great Ass_

_3. Not a nag_

See, now that was a list. Straight to the point. Three simple requirements that any woman can achieve. He didn't ask much. Just those three things. Everything else was irrelevant.

Hands in pocket, shoulders slouched, and smirk in tact, he made his way down the darkened streets of Konoha. He was on the prowl. By no means was he looking for a wife, or even a girlfriend. He was looking for a warm female body that fit his list and was willing to spend the night with him. No strings attached. In and out. Literally.

He entered his go-to bar, where his friends often frequented. The bar was nothing special. Its clientele was special. For whatever reason - he was not one to second-guess a great thing - this bar always had the best selection of female company. Refusals of a late night rendezvous were far and few between. The civilian women must find the shinobi man an aphrodisiac. Show them a few battle scars and they were eager to see more flesh, particularly the appendage below his belt. Speaking of which, his 'buddy below' was signaling to him. There was a red head across the way that met the first two criteria on his list. He'd have to talk to her to find out if she met the third criteria, but honestly, the third didn't matter when she had a body like that. He shrugged. No biggie. He was flexible… he was hoping she was too…

"You must have seen something you liked."

He turned; there at their usual table were some of his friends: Naruto and Shikamaru. Some of the usual crew, doing what they do best: talking and drinking. He hadn't noticed them. Man, that red head was hot.

"Which one is she?" Shikamaru continued. "She's gotta be remarkable if you didn't notice us sitting here."

"Hey!" Naruto called. "How bout you take a seat? We just got here, we're waiting on the others."

He scratched the back of his head. "Yeah… sorry guys… I can't talk. I gotta get dis."

"Huh?" Naruto tried to question further but Shikamaru stopped him.

"He's found a girl already. The red-head on the other side of the room."

He raised an eyebrow. "How did you know?"

Shikamaru smirked and tapped his temple. "Genius. Remember?"

"I guess your genius never ceases to surprise me."

He was off to go claim his prize.

She was dancing with her friends to the music, but his tunnel vision blocked them out. Every move she made seemed to be in slow motion. Her arms were poised above her head and slowly made their way down her body. Her hands came over her shoulder, past her breasts, slowly traveling down her stomach and stopping on her hips.

With every flick of her hips, her breasts would bounce in response.

It was a beautiful chain reaction.

Her round hips would jiggle her full breasts.

She had to be a C-cup.

Had to be.

And he wouldn't mind being the one to investigate.

She had noticed him now. Her full lips curved upwards as she looked at him with half-lidded eyes. Her hair seemed even more vivid up close; he noticed that her locks ended just below her breasts, and that her fingers were playing with the ends of her hair. She moved her fingers to her nipples and bit her lip. Her blue eyes strictly on him.

He smirked. She would be easy.

"Hey beautiful," he threw away their personal space and stepped closer, capturing her chin in his hand. "I couldn't help but notice you across the room."

"And I couldn't help but notice you when you walked in." She purred.

The purr in her voice almost set him off. It was dead sexy.

He took a step closer so she could feel his excitement.

She ran her hands across his chest, stopping when she reached his belt.

"With abs that hard, you have to be a shinobi." She leaned forward, on her tiptoes to whisper in his ear. "I have a _very _soft spot for shinobi."

There it was. He could smell the spike in her excitement. She was ready. _Real _ready.

"I've got somethin' for that spot." He winked at her and nodded down, in the direction of his belt, where her hands still lied.

"Let's get out of here." She wrapped her arms around his arm and followed him out of the bar.

It didn't take long for them to reach his apartment. It didn't take long for every stitch of clothing to hit the floor. It didn't take long for her to climax. It didn't take long for him to climax.

It took her a while to catch a hint.

He wasn't one for pillow talk. In fact, he was ready for sleep. He was ready for her to leave.

But she was too busy making circles on his chest with her finger as they lay there. His hands were folded behind his head, eyes closed. She was pressed against his side, making obscure figures on his bare chest.

"This was _very _nice." She sighed happily.

"Yup."

"Are you from a specific shinobi clan?"

"Yup."

"Do you know how I knew?"

"Nope." Even though he did.

"The red triangles on your cheeks." He could hear the smile in her voice.

A beat of silence.

"Why do they point down?" She was now tracing the marking on his cheek.

"So you know where to go." Good one. He smirked to himself.

She slapped his chest. "_Stop _it. You're sooo _bad_." She giggled.

"They seemed to point you in the right direction." He smirked. "You're welcome."

"You should be thanking me." She whined.

"I did. If you remember."

"Oh!" She bolted up.

He cracked his one eye open to look at her. "What is it?"

She had pulled the sheets up to cover her breasts. For what reason, he didn't understand. He had seen them and had his fun with them.

"I completely forgot to introduce myself!" She giggled to herself. Her whole cutesy appeal was starting to bother him now. "My name is Akane."

"That's nice."

"Aaand?"

"And what?"

"Don't you have something to say?" Now she was frowning, and raising her eyebrow in question.

Yes. Yes he did.

"I do actually. Akane, I would greatly appreciate it if you would let yourself out. I've got things to do tomorrow morning."

He could see red flush across her chest and cheeks. Her blue eyes were now glaring darts at him. He sighed and closed his eyes. The removal of clingy women was never a fun process.

It was coming.

Meltdown in 3, 2, 1…

"You JERK! I was looking for you to tell me your name! I wanted to talk with you! Get to know you! But you tell me to leave?! You're one of the most arrogant men I've ever met!"

He could feel her yank the sheets from her body as she got out of the bed. She was screaming all sorts of creative expletives as she picked up her belongings and got dressed.

He heard her stomp out the bedroom. He yawned and stretched his limbs. He frowned as he heard her stomp back into the bedroom. He rubbed his eyes.

"If you're looking for your other shoe, it's probably in the bath- AHHHHH"

His eyes bulged as severe pain shot through his crotch. "What the FUCK?! WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?!"

Akane smirked as he howled in pain. She had a very heavy lamp in her hand, that she used to just beat his junk – and not in a good way. At all.

"You _dog_! That's for being such a jerk off! Try to jerk yourself off in that condition, dip shit." She threw the lamp across the room and it broke the mirror on his wall.

She turned on her heel and walked out, slamming the apartment door behind her.

Normally, he would have attacked anyone who would do him bodily harm like that. But this wasn't a normal situation. He was curled into the fetal position gripping his junk and crying like a little bitch. He couldn't move no matter how he tried. His body had locked up on him and would not listen to him. His manhood was throbbing in pain, and there wasn't a thing he could do about it.

How did he even get in this situation? There's no way a woman could sneak up on him like that… but it just happened… He got too comfortable. His eyes should have been open. What had happened to his shinobi reflexes?

As he quivered in pain, her last words ran through his head. She had called him a dog. Fine. He had no problem with that. He loved dogs. He was an Inuzuka. He was Kiba Inuzuka. The next heir of the canine companion clan.

If he was a dog, she was the biggest bitch he knew.

He sighed in pain as he curled up tighter.

It was quite ironic how his cockiness got his cock in trouble.


	2. Doctor Knows Best

**The Perfect List**

**Chapter 2: Doctor Knows Best**

**Rated M**

**Written by Turqcoyce**

When Kiba awoke the next day, he was still in the fetal position. He had not moved an inch. The pain had lessened ever so slightly. Just enough for him to move on his own.

He slowly sat up, careful not to jostle anything. He was still naked from last night. A night he would like to forget, except the painful throbbing between his legs would not let him forget. He pulled the sheets back to look at his member.

He winced when he saw it.

It was bruised. Purple and blue. Swollen. And was it laying oddly…?

His heart dropped.

Panic snuck in.

He was hyperventilating.

As fast as he could, he made his way to the fridge. He opened the freezer and took out the first thing he got his hands on.

A bag of frozen peas.

After slowly dressing himself and settling the bag of peas in the right position, he shuffled to the first person he could think of that could help him… that could help his situation.

He made his way to the apartment floor below his own, and knocked on an all-to-familiar door.

With his hand gripping his peas, he waited.

Slowly, the door opened to reveal Shino, clad in black pants, a grey t-shirt, and his trademark sunglasses.

"Hey man… I really need your help." He gritted his teeth. "I need you to look at something…"

Shino looked down, watching Kiba hold his peas. "That doesn't appeal to me. Thanks for the offer." He stepped back to close the door.

"Wait!" Kiba stopped the door with his hand. "You know it's not like that. I…. I had an injury and I need an opinion."

Shino sighed and opened the door again. "Then go see a doctor for an opinion."

"Yeah…" Kiba started. "With this, ugh, situation," he gestured toward his peas, "I'd rather not go through the embarrassment… I just want to know if you think I can walk this thing off or not. Just take a quick peek. "

Shino raised an eyebrow. "So, you're asking me to look at your penis?"

"…Yes…"

"You never cease to amaze me." He frowned. "Show me."

"Out here? People can see. Let me in."

"At the moment, I'm quite… indisposed…"

Ignoring Shino's words, Kiba walked into the apartment.

Shino frowned and closed the door behind him.

"It'll only take a second," he started to unfasten his pants. "Just a quick look and-"

"Am I interrupting something?"

At that moment Kiba felt as if he had been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Here he was, about to drop 'trou' in front of another man, his best friend.

And a smokin' hot blonde woman clad in black lace lingerie walks out of the bedroom to see the scene unfolding before them. Hell, he'd question this situation too if he walked in on two grown men like this.

He could feel his face redden with a blush of embarrassment.

"You didn't tell me you were _busy_!" Kiba hissed.

"I definitely recall telling you I was indisposed."

"Like I know what indisposed means! Just be blunt next time!" Kiba yelled.

Shino smirked, "I'll be sure to use smaller words next time."

A second woman emerged from the room, rubbing her eyes. The brunette was wearing white satin lingerie.

"What's all the yelling about?" She yawned, coming to stand next to the blonde who looked rather perturbed.

Shino stuck his hands in his pockets. "It's nothing. I've just got to help a friend. It won't take long. You two head back, I'll be there soon."

The blonde shrugged and walked away. The brunette seemed to perk up.

"Is he staying? I wouldn't mind adding another person to our party, my personal best is six after all!"

"No!"

"No."

The best friends refused at the same time. Kiba with fervor and Shino with a grim distaste.

The brunette shrugged. "Okaaaay, you don't have to be so mean about it." She walked back into the bedroom.

Kiba smirked, showing off his sharp incisors. "I didn't know you were such a sly dog." Kiba patted his friend on the shoulder. "I like the heaven and hell thing you got goin on there," he gestured toward the room with his thumb. "You gotta tell-"

"Kiba." Shino cut off his rambling friend.

"What?"

"I've got things to attend to," he nodded toward his bedroom door.

"Oh yeah," Kiba unfastened his pants and revealed himself.

Shino's face seemed to acquire a green tint.

"Do you think I'll be ok? Should I keep icing it?"

"You need to see a professional. A doctor. Now." Shino took a step back as if it were contagious. "Is the blood circulating there? How are you walking?"

Kiba's stomach dropped. He pulled up his pants. "With much effort. I couldn't move last night… I slept in the fetal position…"

"And crying." Shino responded.

"What? How did you-"

"What man wouldn't?" Shino removed his hands from his pockets. "Wait here."

Shino left the room and went into his kitchen. After some rummaging he returned to Kiba with a bag of frozen peas in his hand.

"Here, I think you need another bag." He handed the peas to Kiba.

Kiba grabbed them and shoved them in his pants. "This whole thing never happened." He grumbled.

"What thing?" Shino shrugged.

Kiba laughed. "That's why you're my best friend."

After an incredibly painful trek through the streets of Konoha, he made it to the hospital. He shuffled to the front desk.

"I need to see a doctor. Now." He grimaced as he felt the peas readjust.

The bright eyed receptionist handed him a clip board. "You'll have to fill those out." She gave him an annoyingly cheerful smile. "What is ailing you?"

"I… ugh…"

Her smile was even more annoying.

"I'm… injured."

"Where at? Is it a medical emergency?"

He looked down, scratching the back of his head. The clipboard was suddenly very interesting.

"My member… has had some ugh… trauma…" he whispered, then cleared his throat afterwards.

"Oh!" She took the clipboard back and started to scribble some things on it. "When did the injury occur to your penis?"

The waiting room seemed to quiet at the word 'penis'.

His face turned red.

"Sir? What is your name?" She was still scribbling madly on the clipboard.

"Kiba Inuzuka." He whispered.

"So, Mr. Inuzuka, when did your penis sustain this trauma? What happened?"

Was she getting louder? "Last night. A lamp hit it…" he ground out.

Her scribbling stopped. She eyed him from head to toe. Her eyes stopped on his facial markings.

She frowned. "Were you with Akane last night?"

Huh?

"She's a red-head."

Shit.

Kiba felt sick. Really sick.

"You must be the guy she was talking about this morning!" She pointed at him and laughed. "It serves you right." She turned to the nurses behind her at the desk that were making their rounds. "This is the guy Akane de-balled!"

If people weren't laughing at him, they were giving him dirty looks. He didn't like this. At all. Of course he would bone a nurse. She knew exactly how to hurt him. She was a damn pro…

"Would you just get me a doctor!" He was furious.

She waved him away. "Yeah, yeah. Just have a seat. A doctor will be with you."

There he sat. In the ER waiting room, with a luke-warm bag of peas on his nads, he waited. And waited…

Just when he started to doze off, he was led back to an examining room, by some giggling nurse. She took his vitals then left.

It wasn't long before the doctor came.

An all too familiar doctor.

A pink haired, green-eyed doctor.

He sighed heavily and put his head in his hands. This was brutal.

"Hey Kiba," she greeted and walked over to him. "Let's see what's going on…" he could hear her flipping through the papers on her clip board. "Oh…."

"This doesn't leave this room." He grumbled.

"Of course not," she agreed. "Doctor-patient confidentiality."

"Those nurses must find this hilarious… They couldn't get me a man doctor…" he whined.

She put her hands on her hips. "So you'd rather have a man poke and prod at your penis?"

He shrugged. "When you put it that way, I guess not."

She snapped her latex gloves on.

"I meant no offense Sakura," he corrected quickly. "I've pissed off enough women for today." And he didn't want another angry woman on his dick again. He knew of her scary strength.

She smiled, "that you have. Geez Kiba, I heard the rumors about this 'de-balled' man but never did I expect it to be you. Honestly, I was expecting to see Genma." She put her clipboard down. "Take off your pants."

"With pleasure," he responded with a hint of suggestion.

She raised an eyebrow, "Really Kiba? You're already being perverted?"

"Sorry, I guess its just second nature."

Sakura shook her head. "Just show me the damage."

He removed the peas and unfastened his pants yet again and exposed himself to Sakura. He was not expecting her reaction.

"Oh my GOD!" She hollered.

"What?! Is it that bad?! Will I be ok?! Will-"

Her laughter cut him off. "Just kidding."

"That wasn't funny," he mumbled.

"Oh really? I thought it was quite hilarious." She gently examined his injuries.

"Maybe it's magnificence made you scream," he joked. "No need to be bashful."

"It's not small," she poked a particularly sensitive spot, eliciting a hiss from Kiba, "but it's nothing to be particularly proud of. I've seen bigger. Much bigger." She said seriously.

"It's not the size, it's how you work it." He assured, rearranging himself so he was leaning back on his hands, and his legs opened further.

"Who told you that lie? A great artist is not great without his brushes. You can always learn a new technique but you can't get a better brush." She rolled her eyes. "Besides, you might want to take it down a notch. Do you really want to aggravate me when I have your injured penis in my hands? Just a little squeeze and …."

"I get it, I get it."

He was sensitive to the slightest touch. Every ouch and hiss made her examine his injuries further. In no way did he find this pleasing. In fact in was torture and embarrassing. He couldn't wait for her to finish.

"Are you done yet?"

"Trust me Kiba, I'm not doing this for my own enjoyment."

"We can fix that."

She flicked him. The bitch flicked him. Without thinking about it, he was in the fetal position again. "You bitch."

"And you're an incredibly stupid lecher." She threw her gloves in the trash. "It wasn't that bad. Stop being a baby. Sit up and button your pants."

He did as she said. He sat on the examination table, glaring at her. "Well?"

She was scribbling on the clipboard again. "Do you want the good news or the bad news?"

His face paled. "There's bad news?"

"Yup." With the pop of the 'p' she ended her flourish and set the pen down. "So I'll just lead with the good news first."

"What if I want the bad news first?"

Sakura rolled her eyes. "Your penis is severely bruised."

Kiba raised an eyebrow. "Is that the good or bad news?"

"Good."

He could feel the blood drain from his face. "That was the good news? What's so good about that?"

She took a hair tie from her wrist and tied up her shoulder length locks. "What's good? The fact that you don't need surgery. You're lucky it's only bruising. It hurts like hell, but it could have been a lot worse. You're very lucky."

He rolled his eyes. He doubted any guy would consider a severely bruised penis, 'lucky'.

"I'm afraid to hear the bad news, if that was good news."

She withdrew her prescription pad and gave a couple 'scripts to him. "Here, you'll need these for the pain. And make sure you ice it to reduce the swelling."

He took the 'scripts from her. "And the bad news?" Was she dragging this thing out? He was starting to panic.

She smirked at him. "For the next 5 weeks you cannot experience any kind of physical arousal."

Wait. Did she mean…

"That mean's no sex, no masturbation, no fondling of any sort. If you want it to heal properly you should only ever touch it while washing it gently or during urination. Other than that, hands off."

He felt winded, as if she had just sucker punched him in the gut.

"None?" he whispered.

"None." She affirmed, and left the room.

It was gonna be a _hard _five weeks…


End file.
